I'm better

OK so I'm better tonite. I didn't think I was going to be as my day didn't start off any better than last nite. This is my morning with my 13 year old. I have to take her to school now since Tristan's starts after I get to work. Keep in mind, all of this is said with that "I can't believe you are so ignorant, Brandee" tone.

So Tuesday morning, I ask her, "Do you need any lunch money?" She says no she has some. I don't worry about it until this morning. Even though I'm still seething over last nite, I ask her what she is using for lunch money. She says, "I still have 50 cents left." I say that that doesn't sound like enough. She "reminds" me that she doesn't eat tray lunches any more. I ask what in the world she can get for 50 cents. She says chips. I say that maybe she should have something else with the chips, maybe even just a drink. And that I don't want her borrowing money from anyone else. She gives that big teenage sigh and says she has enough money and she won't be borrowing. And then I realize what I'm saying and tell her that I can't believe she is actually arguing with me about me wanting to give her something... especially money!!!!! Hello...what kid turns down money for any reason???? I stop the car in the street (I think we were at the stop sign in our neighborhood) and get out my money and force her to take 3 bucks. I am not going to continue to be the evil stepmom that doesn't give her any money. She can save it for college if she wants but she is going to have some stinking money. I tell her she would argue with a brick wall or something to that effect and then we continued on to school. I remain quiet but in my mind I'm wondering why does everything have to be so dramatic???? Why can't there be anything positive come out of her mouth in everyday conversation? I grip the wheel harder as I really want to shake her till her teeth rattle. Just what is up with that??? Heavy sigh from me. I drop her off and crank my rock and roll.

Now don't get me wrong, even though we go through stages of me being the bad guy/evil stepmom, I still love that little turd. Heck I've raised her since she was smaller than Tristan. But man, when we go through those evenings such as last nite, I can't help but let it get to me. I try really hard but it just goes through me. She is typcial in many ways, but in other ways she is just so disrespectful. I would've been black and blue if I said those things (talked as if I was an adult) to my mother. She thinks she is old enough to make her own decisions, knows everything and we don't know anything, etc. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I so wish that I had inherited that look my mother has. All kids bow down to it for some reason... I've seen all my cousins submit to it. It's incredible. If you've never noticed it, I'm sorry you've missed it. It's a sight to behold.

She and I are getting along better tonite but I'm not all the way over it. On the bright side, her grades are all good which is simply a miracle and hopefully this week's grounding will encourage her to continue to turn things in on time for full points. She has school pictures tomorrow so she is in the bathroom primping right now. She asked if I would get her up earlier tomorrow so she can primp more. Hope I get up early enough!

Tristan is still very active. He is tired today as the last two nights we have fought the sleep thing. He got a yellow today and I'm not surprised. He's running on empty. But he got a smiley face on his behavior calendar for yesterday. His teacher tells me he is doing well and participating. He just didn't follow the rules today.

I so agree with Sara. This parenting thing is very rewarding but so difficult at the same time. There are definitely differences between boys and girls. When I married Chance, I didn't know a thing about kids except that all my cousins cried when I held them when they were babies. How in the world was I going to be a mom to a just-turned 5 year old? It was really funny the first time Taylor and I were left alone waiting for Chance to get home from work. We both just kinda sat there and looked at each other. Neither of us knew what to do. She has always been so smart, so she decides to just go about playing. I decide to start dinner. But soft (isn't that Shakespeare? not sure why that came to mind) ...she decides to throw in a few challenges on me to see how I will react. I am so scared to discipline her because I want her to like me and be comfortable with me. And I want Chance to not be peeved that I didn't so I do. It wasn't anything major. But we established our boundaries. Time passed so quickly. Before I knew it I was doing the mom thing. Staying home with the sick kid (yes I definitely called my mom lots on what to do with fevers and all that stuff), enrolling in school, volunteering at school, etc. It's always been challenging as I am the stepmom whose been THE mom for most her life, but the biological mom has been there most of the time. So, I deal with stuff that is typical of that situation. I think I'm doing OK. I just lose my cool on occasion as last nite. But I find my way back to start somehow.

Then for some strange reason, a couple of years later, I just decide it's time to have a baby. Yes, the clock was definitely ticking by that time, but for some reason, I had that baby bug. It was time. I go to my doctor and ask him what do I do to become pregnant. He tells me that if I don't know by now, then I have a problem. Ha! It is March or April, and I am set to graduate with my bachelor's in May. We talk about the appropriate stuff, and then when I leave, I don't get my prescription. I'm freaking out. He says, I thought you want to get pregnant. I say yes but not right this second!!!! I have to get through graduation...how can I be pregnant at the same time??? He says, it's only two months. I say, but I just can't. So being the sneaky guy that he is...he gives me two month's samples of my pills and refuses to write a prescription. Boy am I scared. I go home and tell Chance what transpired. I don't think he was as nervous as me... he'd been through it all. By August I'm pregnant and then Tristan's here. I'm scared cuz I know I've got the mom thing down from age 5 but not that baby stuff. I've never been able to hold anyone's baby without them crying their head off. Even if the baby knew me. I have this picture of me when I was 13 holding Meredith. She was just born and we had gone to Dallas to see her. There I am with this sort of smile on my face and she is just wailing as loud as she can - that little mouth is as wide open as it can be. It's one my of prized possessions. When Tristan was born and he was put in my arms finally (seemed like I was the last to get to hold him) it felt so natural. He didn't cry and he was mine. It was such a different feeling and I knew instictively, that I could take care of him. It was so amazing and there are not any words to describe it. I actually could change dirty diapers and clean up puke!!! Wow.

Amazingly enough, I did survive the baby stuff. He was very sick with his asthma stuff but somehow I did made it through it all. So when he turned 5 this May I figure it's going to be just the same as Taylor. Was I ever wrong. Taylor was so much more mature at his age (girls just rule in that department). I kept wanting him to be like that and was worried something was wrong because he wasn't. But then after all the trauma with the daycares and stuff, I had to finally realize that for one he's a boy and they just aren't as mature at that age. And that he's a completely different kid who will have a completely different learning curve. Why should I worry when he will make it through in his own way by his own standards? He's just as smart. We just have to teach him and help him grow in a completely different way. So even if you've been through it once, the whole journey is just as rewarding but so different the second time. I've learned from Taylor about the things to get stressed over and the things that it's not worth getting stressed over. But I simply have to adjust everything for his needs and relax, cuz the ride is definitely going to be bumpy in completely different places.

Well, I've been awfully wordy tonite. I don't really have much more to say (probably to your delight). Karin has been doing so awesome and is completely off the respirator. However, she has come down with a touch of pneumonia AGAIN. But they think they caught it early enough and she has been taking antibiotics. She coming more and more to reality each day but still has a ways to go. Keep her in your prayers.

Better go. Not sure if all this will post. Going to get back to my books. I read Harry last nite, may again tonite. Alex is calling me too - I'm almost to the end of his story.

Cya later.
B