A Motherhood Reflection

I am not a morning person and never have been. When I was younger, my mother would come in to wake me up or would get on to me if I got back in bed after my alarm went off. She would be standing there all perky and alert acting as if I was absolutely off my rocker for being unable to get up. I would lay there and wonder how in the world she could get up so early every day and appear as if it were 5:00 in the afternoon. I thought there had to be seriously wrong with her and just knew there would be no way in the world I would EVER get up early every single day and be awake and alert. NEVER!!!

This week has been absolutely exhausting for me. I'm on emotional overload, not getting enough sleep, and very stressed with many things pulling me in different directions. Yet, at 6 a.m. every morning, I am the one who has to get up and get everyone else up. I am running on empty.

This morning I'm standing in the middle of Tristan's room, explaining to him that he can in fact get up whether he's tired or not. That if he just tries, it will get easier as he moves around. That we all have our priorities for the day and must get them done. That the clock stops for no one and we have to be there on time. I'm trying to appear awake and alert. Inside, I am so tired and want to crawl back in bed. I don't even know how much longer I'm going to be able to stand still without falling asleep standing up.

And then....my mother appears in my head. I see her standing there telling me the same stuff. I suddenly realize that maybe she felt exactly the same way I did at that exact moment. Maybe she wasn't as insane as I originally thought! She was just doing her motherly duty. Then I look down at my son and he is looking at me as if I am the craziest person he's ever seen. He thinks I have no clue how he feels and that it is impossible to get up as I have asked. He is thinking, he will never get up every day that early and be ready to go like his mother.

Ahh...the circle of life.

Been wanting to write

but the writing bug just hasn't bit me hard enough in the past few months. I think all the time of stuff to write but just haven't sat down and done it.

Chance and I need lots of prayers. Things haven't been going our way for some time. I won't bore you with all the details. It feels like we take one step forward and get knocked back about 10. Today we did our taxes and this year we owe tons of money. Not sure how we are going to pay that. On top of that, we've been worried about the business. Things don't look good.

Thanks to Chance's stepbrother, he's been working at the Department of Education since January as a temporary employee. This has been a godsend. His Premier paychecks have finally stopped so this paycheck keeps us dog paddling. Landscaping is a luxury and although we've received a few calls, people just can't justify spending the money. Many of our returning customers we've had for years are finally stopping their patronage. It really sucks. Chance has been trying to figure out what to do with himself. He has been in landscaping since he was 16 years old. It's all he knows. He has wanted "out" for some time but just didn't know which direction to turn. This new temporary job has given him a focus. He's naturally good with computers and working as an IT tech these past few months has really peaked his interest in the field. I'm very happy to say that he's gone back to school and is planning on earning his Associate degree in computer science. He's taking two classes right now, is enrolling full time in summer and in 3/4 time in the fall. He's pumped and kinda peeved it's gonna take him so long to get it. He would take all 60+ credit hours in one semester if he could. But I am so happy for him. This experience has gained him some confidence in himself. He realizes he can do something besides plant trees. I've been telling him for years to stop putting himself down. He's been running a business and utilizing skills that some people simply don't have. But he's just never seen that part of himself. So now, he's doing great in his first class and his testing has gone well. He's ready for the challenge and I am very proud.

Tristan and Taylor are having a good year in school. The IEP is really helping Tristan and he has improved alot. He is still not at his grade level but he's made significant progress. His teachers tell us we have to work with him all summer. Summer school is taught above his level and will do no good. I hope I can step up to the challenge and keep him going. Taylor is simply doing very well. We hope she will have her driver's license tomorrow. Then the begging to borrow the car will begin. I'm not looking forward to that!

I'm enjoying spring break this week. Haven't really got to meet my goals yet but there's always tomorrow.

Well I don't wanna bore you with any more. I will write again soon and hopefully have something to say.