Another milestone

This week, Tristan grew up a little bit more. I am sniffling just thinking about it. Since school has started, we have parked the car and walked him into the building. At first, we walked him all the way to his classroom and eventually we began walking him to the end of his hall, and watched him walk to his room. This week he began going in all by himself. We simply pull up in the drop off lane, and he gets out and goes into the building himself. I can't even begin to tell you how my heart stopped to watch him walk in all by himself with his backback on that first day he tried it. I think I held up the line so I could watch but they didn't get on to me. I guess many of you have already been through this but some of you haven't. It's quite a feeling and it really adds to my thinking about being old. AAAAAh!

Oh and he got a sticker today! Yeah! I guess bribery helps sometimes. Our first day to bring snack is Monday. I hope I get the right stuff.

Think I wanna go read. Got to tire out my eyes before I get those glasses! ;o)

B

It's official ...

I'm old. I just don't know how it happened. I don't feel old but my body keeps doing things that tells me that I'm not in my 20's anymore. Heck, I just graduated high school! Oh wait, was that actually 20 years ago?????? No way! ....... WAY!

Today it was all confirmed when I visited the eye doctor. I was told that I am extremely far sighted. I thought that meant that I could only see close up but he told me that I see better far away. Seems strange to me...I went to see him cuz I'm having trouble reading signs and things. But evidently, I'm seeing them alright. He told me that I have healthy eyes but "as we get older" our eyesight changes. He actually told me that within a year or two, I will need bifocals. I'm not quite there but almost. I told him I was too young for that. But, my mother reminded me that I will be the big 4 - 0 next year. OMG! Is that really true? I just can't believe it. So...this weekend, with Chance's help to pick some frames, I'm getting some glasses. Right now I only have to use them when I'm on the computer (so that means all day at work) or when my eyes are strained. But eventually, he tells me I will be wanting to use them all the time. UUUUGGGGGHHHHH! At that point, this vain, chubby, almost 40 year old, will obtain contacts. I just don't know about all the time. Unless I do find a really cool pair that looks awesome. Somehow I doubt that will happen.

And then to add fuel to the fire of this newfound oldness, my friends gave me hell at lunch today. They laughed and laughed. (Of course, they both are older than me and wear glasses!) Anyway, when discussing our trip to Dallas next week to see a concert, they proceed to tell me that I'm too old to go to concerts. I tell them that I will probably go to concerts until my dying day...I simply love them. Besides, by the time I'm 60, all my favorite bands will be dead anyway. How sad is that thought?

And more fuel, while we were shopping today, I asked my almost 14 year old if a shirt looked "ucky" on me. She asks me what "ucky" means and I say gross. She then tells me that they now say "Grody". So now, not only is she dressing like I did in high school, she is now using the same lingo. Don't we all remember the valley-girl days? So I told her all the sayings. I really hope I don't hear, "Like gag me with a dead smurf" again.

After 3 days of stickers and keeping his green frog, Tristan got another red again today. He even fell asleep about 2 hours earlier than usual last nite after grandma and grandpa wore him out playing guns in the backyard. I think he's not feeling very well...his allergies are getting to him. I gave him some Nyquil (for kids) and he's sleeping rather soundly. Hopefully he will try to get a sticker tomorrow. I told him that he could get a prize if he got them all week. Well that is now shot but he's thinking harder about a prize. We read a Jungle Book story tonite and he learned about Mowgli and Balloo. I've never been able to get him to sit down and watch that movie. It's one of my all time favorites. I hope he will now that we've read a story.

Today I was off work and I got to shop. I am happy but still need more stuff. Got some new slacks and shirts for work and a new pair of jeans. And I went to Dustee's...Oh my that is heaven. I LOVE that store. Been hearing about it from everyone at work. I spent an hour in there. Was very hard to pick something...I wanted everything. They have purses, wallets, scarves, jewelry and even tiarras! Got a ring and 3 earrings. That made me happy. Shopping makes me very happy. :o)

Well, guess I'll go rest these tired old eyes. Seems surreal I will have glasses for them in a few days. I'm almost anxious to get them...I want to see the difference they make.

Until next time...adios. B

My wee me

PS - A happy note

I forgot to mention that Karin is now home at her parents house. She is doing so well. The pneumonia is still there and she has to be careful about the hole in her throat from the respirator. But wow, if only you could see her. She is doing fantastic! It's quite a miracle...everyone's prayers really helped. This is another example of the power of prayer. I think this experience has changed her outlook on life. That in itself is great news. I am going to continue to pray that this new outlook stays with her.

I love the fair

Today was the day we took the kids to the fair. I am more of a kid than the kids are about it. I love all the smells, the lights, the booths, the food and the freaky people. I absolutely have to go each year even though by the time we get out of there we are hot, sweaty, tired, aching, and really, really broke. It is so fantastic! Why...I just absolutely don't know but I will go every year no matter what. I love seeing the joy on the kids faces when they ride the rides. And I love the joy I feel when I get to buy stuff...the past two years it's been the sparkly booth. Dig the sparkly earrings completely. Wish I had ran into my cousins, uncle and aunt (if they were there). It would've been nice to see them as I don't get to see them much.

I perused some blogs tonite and it made me think. I hope I haven't been too negative and revealing too much angst and stuff others don't want to read. But what good is a blog if you can't let out the stuff inside that's getting to you? Should I be worried what others think and write for my audience...whoever that is? I dunno...somehow that feels like being deceptive to myself. I hope that my family and friends are going to love me no matter what's going on in my head as I know I certainly love them no matter what.

I am dealing with alot of stepmom issues and I think it's all built up. Maybe it's harder cuz she's older now and expresses herself so distinctly and beyond her years. I just want to reach her and help her grow but it's hard when she thinks she's grown. I've been able to brush it off and go on in the past, but I think I'm at my limit. Just can't brush it off so easily any more. They say you reap what you sow...I surely hope I didn't distress my mom this much. Was I that much of a drama queen? She tells me I was the queen of slamming doors. Well I certainly don't remember feeling free to say some of the things that's been said to me and Chance, but I'm sure I was ornery at times. I guess I owe my mom an apology for all that. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have slammed the door quite so much.

And then there's the mom stuff too. I worry daily about Tristan. He's rebelling some against school and I am so worried. I got a note from the teacher that says she is too. Out of 8 days, he only got 3 stickers which means he had good days. The rest of the time, he got yellows and reds. That means he didn't behave quite so well. He was grounded and by Friday, he got a sticker. But it was a rough week worrying about him. He rebelled against his homework and cried through it all. On Wednesday, I bribed him with tattoos. If he threw a fit over homework, no Scooby Doo on the arm. That seemed to work. He actually wrote his name without being asked and without help. It was quite a milestone. We were happy and praised him immensely. He seemed very proud. I hope he keeps that up.

I'm going to the eye doctor on Wednesday for the first time in my life. I think 12 years of working in front of a computer is finally getting to me. I'm a wee bit nervous. I hope I just need reading glasses. Or even better, I've just been straining my eyes lately and don't need anything at all. That would be nice. Hope all goes well.

It's late and I should go. Chance wants up early tomorrow and I don't want to set the alarm. Oh well. I just know very soon my rough spell will be gone and I'll have a totally positive entry. Sorry for my angst. Just got to let it out. On the bright side, I had a really good time at the fair.

Maybe next time I'll have the video like Sara has. Just need to spend the time to make one. I lost the last one I made.

Luv 2 all. B

I'm better

OK so I'm better tonite. I didn't think I was going to be as my day didn't start off any better than last nite. This is my morning with my 13 year old. I have to take her to school now since Tristan's starts after I get to work. Keep in mind, all of this is said with that "I can't believe you are so ignorant, Brandee" tone.

So Tuesday morning, I ask her, "Do you need any lunch money?" She says no she has some. I don't worry about it until this morning. Even though I'm still seething over last nite, I ask her what she is using for lunch money. She says, "I still have 50 cents left." I say that that doesn't sound like enough. She "reminds" me that she doesn't eat tray lunches any more. I ask what in the world she can get for 50 cents. She says chips. I say that maybe she should have something else with the chips, maybe even just a drink. And that I don't want her borrowing money from anyone else. She gives that big teenage sigh and says she has enough money and she won't be borrowing. And then I realize what I'm saying and tell her that I can't believe she is actually arguing with me about me wanting to give her something... especially money!!!!! Hello...what kid turns down money for any reason???? I stop the car in the street (I think we were at the stop sign in our neighborhood) and get out my money and force her to take 3 bucks. I am not going to continue to be the evil stepmom that doesn't give her any money. She can save it for college if she wants but she is going to have some stinking money. I tell her she would argue with a brick wall or something to that effect and then we continued on to school. I remain quiet but in my mind I'm wondering why does everything have to be so dramatic???? Why can't there be anything positive come out of her mouth in everyday conversation? I grip the wheel harder as I really want to shake her till her teeth rattle. Just what is up with that??? Heavy sigh from me. I drop her off and crank my rock and roll.

Now don't get me wrong, even though we go through stages of me being the bad guy/evil stepmom, I still love that little turd. Heck I've raised her since she was smaller than Tristan. But man, when we go through those evenings such as last nite, I can't help but let it get to me. I try really hard but it just goes through me. She is typcial in many ways, but in other ways she is just so disrespectful. I would've been black and blue if I said those things (talked as if I was an adult) to my mother. She thinks she is old enough to make her own decisions, knows everything and we don't know anything, etc. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I so wish that I had inherited that look my mother has. All kids bow down to it for some reason... I've seen all my cousins submit to it. It's incredible. If you've never noticed it, I'm sorry you've missed it. It's a sight to behold.

She and I are getting along better tonite but I'm not all the way over it. On the bright side, her grades are all good which is simply a miracle and hopefully this week's grounding will encourage her to continue to turn things in on time for full points. She has school pictures tomorrow so she is in the bathroom primping right now. She asked if I would get her up earlier tomorrow so she can primp more. Hope I get up early enough!

Tristan is still very active. He is tired today as the last two nights we have fought the sleep thing. He got a yellow today and I'm not surprised. He's running on empty. But he got a smiley face on his behavior calendar for yesterday. His teacher tells me he is doing well and participating. He just didn't follow the rules today.

I so agree with Sara. This parenting thing is very rewarding but so difficult at the same time. There are definitely differences between boys and girls. When I married Chance, I didn't know a thing about kids except that all my cousins cried when I held them when they were babies. How in the world was I going to be a mom to a just-turned 5 year old? It was really funny the first time Taylor and I were left alone waiting for Chance to get home from work. We both just kinda sat there and looked at each other. Neither of us knew what to do. She has always been so smart, so she decides to just go about playing. I decide to start dinner. But soft (isn't that Shakespeare? not sure why that came to mind) ...she decides to throw in a few challenges on me to see how I will react. I am so scared to discipline her because I want her to like me and be comfortable with me. And I want Chance to not be peeved that I didn't so I do. It wasn't anything major. But we established our boundaries. Time passed so quickly. Before I knew it I was doing the mom thing. Staying home with the sick kid (yes I definitely called my mom lots on what to do with fevers and all that stuff), enrolling in school, volunteering at school, etc. It's always been challenging as I am the stepmom whose been THE mom for most her life, but the biological mom has been there most of the time. So, I deal with stuff that is typical of that situation. I think I'm doing OK. I just lose my cool on occasion as last nite. But I find my way back to start somehow.

Then for some strange reason, a couple of years later, I just decide it's time to have a baby. Yes, the clock was definitely ticking by that time, but for some reason, I had that baby bug. It was time. I go to my doctor and ask him what do I do to become pregnant. He tells me that if I don't know by now, then I have a problem. Ha! It is March or April, and I am set to graduate with my bachelor's in May. We talk about the appropriate stuff, and then when I leave, I don't get my prescription. I'm freaking out. He says, I thought you want to get pregnant. I say yes but not right this second!!!! I have to get through graduation...how can I be pregnant at the same time??? He says, it's only two months. I say, but I just can't. So being the sneaky guy that he is...he gives me two month's samples of my pills and refuses to write a prescription. Boy am I scared. I go home and tell Chance what transpired. I don't think he was as nervous as me... he'd been through it all. By August I'm pregnant and then Tristan's here. I'm scared cuz I know I've got the mom thing down from age 5 but not that baby stuff. I've never been able to hold anyone's baby without them crying their head off. Even if the baby knew me. I have this picture of me when I was 13 holding Meredith. She was just born and we had gone to Dallas to see her. There I am with this sort of smile on my face and she is just wailing as loud as she can - that little mouth is as wide open as it can be. It's one my of prized possessions. When Tristan was born and he was put in my arms finally (seemed like I was the last to get to hold him) it felt so natural. He didn't cry and he was mine. It was such a different feeling and I knew instictively, that I could take care of him. It was so amazing and there are not any words to describe it. I actually could change dirty diapers and clean up puke!!! Wow.

Amazingly enough, I did survive the baby stuff. He was very sick with his asthma stuff but somehow I did made it through it all. So when he turned 5 this May I figure it's going to be just the same as Taylor. Was I ever wrong. Taylor was so much more mature at his age (girls just rule in that department). I kept wanting him to be like that and was worried something was wrong because he wasn't. But then after all the trauma with the daycares and stuff, I had to finally realize that for one he's a boy and they just aren't as mature at that age. And that he's a completely different kid who will have a completely different learning curve. Why should I worry when he will make it through in his own way by his own standards? He's just as smart. We just have to teach him and help him grow in a completely different way. So even if you've been through it once, the whole journey is just as rewarding but so different the second time. I've learned from Taylor about the things to get stressed over and the things that it's not worth getting stressed over. But I simply have to adjust everything for his needs and relax, cuz the ride is definitely going to be bumpy in completely different places.

Well, I've been awfully wordy tonite. I don't really have much more to say (probably to your delight). Karin has been doing so awesome and is completely off the respirator. However, she has come down with a touch of pneumonia AGAIN. But they think they caught it early enough and she has been taking antibiotics. She coming more and more to reality each day but still has a ways to go. Keep her in your prayers.

Better go. Not sure if all this will post. Going to get back to my books. I read Harry last nite, may again tonite. Alex is calling me too - I'm almost to the end of his story.

Cya later.
B

Tonite

Tonite I strongly dislike snotty, disrepectful, 13 year olds who think they know everything. I'm going to go read to get my mind in another world. I am hopeful tomorrow will bring a much better evening.

Sometime soon I will have some more positive ramblings.

Oh and if anyone finds a book on how to get rambunctious (not sure how to spell that word) 5 year olds to actually go to sleep when you put them to bed, please let me know.

So...do I go visit Harry Potter, or Key, the handsome man Sandra Brown dreamed up, or Alex, the mysterious man invented by Iris Johannsen? Maybe I should start a 4th book......nah.

Until next time.
B